We plan and God laughs

We Plan and God Laughs

We plan and God laughs.  That was the title and theme of last week’s Private Practice episode.  (One of my favorite shows.)  It got me to thinking.  When Jeffrey and I were dating and we started to talk about marriage and kids, he wanted one.  I agreed.  Later on after a conversation with my mom I changed my mind.  She told me how important her brother was to her and how grateful she was to have him to help her with all the things that you have to do when your parents can no longer help themselves.  She made me look at my sisters in a whole new light.  Not only do I have 2 sisters/friends, but I have someone to help change my parents’ diapers when the time comes.  (I’m of course kidding, hello nursing home!)  But you get my point.  So now I’ve decided my baby will need a sibling.  As the years went on and there was no baby to give a sibling to, I decided that if I could just get one baby, that’d be enough for me.  (He/she would just have to deal with my and Jeffrey’s diapers alone.)  Jeffrey and I planned and God laughed.

My oldest sister works for DHS.  She had been trying to talk Jeffrey and I in to becoming foster parents for years.  We both always told her no.  We always feared we’d have attachments that would eventually break our hearts.  After exploring the costs (astronomical) of private adoption, we were at a loss for our next step to parenthood.  At this point I talk Jeffrey into fostering.  It was a fairly long process as our DHS system is heavily overloaded.  We went to 27 hours of class, made safety improvements to our home, got the dog’s rabies shot, etc.  When we were finally approved and our home was “opened”, Jeffrey and I were in agreement that we would start with one.  After all, we’d never been parents before.  Jeffrey and I planned and God laughed.

“Carlos” came to our home on August 27, 2010.  He was the most precious 3 month old baby boy I had ever laid my eyes on.  I formed an unbreakable bond with him so instantly that it took my breath away.  After some prodding by DHS, his sister “Juanita” moved in a few days later.  I now had 2 babies under the age of 2.  I was overwhelmed to say the least.  After several months and a few ups and downs, their older brother “Paco” joined us.  We now had 3 babies under the age of 3.  Low and behold just a few short months later, we were surprised by the upcoming arrival of “Rosaleighta”.  So fast forward to May 2011, (just a short 9 months later), and we now have FOUR children under the age of four.  It is mass chaos most of the time at our house.  Jeffrey and I planned and God laughed.

We are not saints.  I do not particularly like it when people tell us what great people we are for what we are doing.  We are not saints; we merely wanted to be parents.  Did we want to be parents of four kids?  No, we did not.  There, I said it.  We wanted ONE child.  We planned and God laughed.  We now have four children and at any moment DHS could knock on our door and say thanks, but it’s time for them to go.  That is a fear we have to live with every moment of every day.  This is hard.  I could not have imagined and cannot now even describe to anyone how hard this is.  The day to day care of four children, the complete destruction of our life as we knew it, the constant fear of losing these four kids that could not be more ours if I had given birth to them, it’s hard.  No, we are not saints.  We are still relatively selfish people.  I get my feelings hurt often by family and friends who just can’t possibly understand.  I wear my hurt feelings on my shoulders.  I struggle every day with not only the fear that I’m not a good enough mother, but also with the fear that I will lose my kids.  It’s hard, and no I am not a saint.  I struggle to remember that everyone has their own set of problems, no more or less difficult than mine.  It’s hard and I struggle!  I’ll say it one more time:  I am not a saint.  I’m simply a woman that wanted to be a mother and now I am.  It’s not how I pictured it, but it is what it is.  We have four precious children who are looking to us for love, stability, and security.  Who am I to complain?

Jeffrey and I planned and God laughed.